Enhancer

I got out some books from the library on career planning the other day. The first one I read (very quickly as there are only a couple of chapters that are pertinent to me) was about how to choose a career based on your Myer Briggs personality type.

It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me and who knows anything about the Myer Briggs tests to learn that I am an INFP. I’ve done variations of this test many times over the years, and it’s always the same. According to the book I was reading, this makes me an Enhancer. Apparently I see other people’s potential and pretty much want us all to live in a bubble of sunshine and lollipops. Every time I read the word “enhancer”, my brain kept thinking “enabler”. Maybe that just makes me a pessimistic enhancer. Or maybe I’m just cynical.

Yet I wonder if I am an enabler. I allow myself to be exploited by others. The “friend” I have mentioned here before uses me as a taxi service, and while I have set up some boundaries around that, still I don’t seem to be able to say “Fuck off” when she makes an unreasonable request.

Yesterday, for example, she asked me to drive her to the evening thing we are both involved in. She had originally asked me to do this as a regular thing, but on that occasion I had said no, as I had work and family and meals to prepare, and I wasn’t prepared to build the extra half hour into my schedule to accommodate her. But this week, she knew that I’m not working any more, and that my family are away for a few days. And of course she stressed how she wouldn’t be able to go if I didn’t take her.

And I think this is what pisses me off. If it was just an occasional thing, and I knew that she really had tried other options, I wouldn’t mind. I don’t mind giving her a lift – I do it a couple of times a week, after all. But she just places the responsibility for her transport on other people. Usually, her parents drive her there. When they can’t, her brother does. This is a 38-year-old woman, still being driven around by her mum and dad.

I told her I would drive her, but she would have to put up with being late. I wasn’t going to be needed for the first 20 minutes and I wasn’t going to change my schedule to get her there on time.

I have asked her in the past, when she’d complained about her parents unwillingness to keep driving her about, why she couldn’t use public transport. And her response was that she could but the timetable is so convoluted that it would take her 2 hours to get there. Yesterday, I checked for myself. 55minutes, is all it would take. It boggles my mind that she will not put herself through the strain of 55 minutes on public transport, but she thinks nothing of asking me to extend my 25 minute car trip to 50 minutes. It boggles my mind that there are people out there unwilling to take responsibility for their own situations. This morning I am on a train, heading to the state’s central west to go camping with my family, who had driven up a few days ago. In order to catch this train, I had to get up at 5.30 am. I caught a cab to the train station, then a bus to another train station. I arranged all this myself, and didn’t expect someone else to do it for me. I can’t understand why other people can’t do the same.

And it also frustrates me, because it taints my enjoyment of what should be an enjoyable activity for me. And I know that when I’m thinking about future projects, I will need to choose something she can’t be involved in, simply to rid myself of the responsibility.

Ugh. Must stop whining.

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New Day

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I’m no longer employed, but still I feel like I’m making progress.  And I have good references.

I’m reading a book I downloaded from Amazon at the moment for $0.99 and it’s about career mapping.  The author recommends identifying who you’d like to work for first, then the area you’d like to work in, then looking at the jobs in those areas to see which ones you’d like to do.  Based on that, you can identify your experience gaps and plot yourself a path to get to those jobs.

This makes sense to me.  At the moment, I’ve been looking at jobs in my field and feeling really, really uninspired because, really, my field is not that exciting.  I want something more than what my field has to offer.

I just don’t know what that is.  

But at least I know that I’m no longer happy just to make do.  That’s a start.

Last day

I’m in the middle of my last day at work. At least, my boss has told everyone today is my last day. In actual fact, I will be back in a couple of weeks to take her through our reporting process. Everyone will be so disappointed.

I’m glad to be moving on. I’m looking forward to a couple of weeks of sleeping in, while the kids are on holidays. And I’m looking forward to whatever new role is out there for me.

I think I’ve pretty much decided I want a career – not a job.

I just need to decide what field that will be in …

What do you do?

I was asked this dreaded question yesterday. And I gave a bit of a circumlocutory answer because saying, “I’m a shit-kicker.” doesn’t seem very polite.

I’m in a position at the moment where I need to decide whether I want a career or job. I just don’t know, and I don’t know how to start finding out. My partner has said he’ll spend some time with me during our upcoming family trip to try and help me figure that out.

My main problem is that while I’m quite adequate at most things, I have nothing that particularly stands out as a skill. Apart from drinking, I guess, but that’s hardly something to put on one’s resume.

I tend to have many ideas along the lines of, “Hey! I could do X!” But as we’ve seen on this here blog, these are short-lived and never result in anything. I run out of motivation and move on to the next idea.

And I stay in my same shitty job. I’m not sure that I like having just a job. But I’m also not sure I’m cut out for a career. And soon I won’t have my shitty job either.

Hence my impending sense of panic.

Vacation

In a week or so, the fam and I are heading off on a  camping trip. We’re heading west – seeing some hot air balloons, and a rural show, and generally bumming around the state’s central west.

I hope it gives me what I need. I need to vacate my life at the moment. I really can’t bear being around people at the moment. It is taking a conscious effort to be polite and interested in what’s going on around me. If there was a convenient hole to crawl into, I would gladly do so.

Tonight I have to go to a birthday celebration for a friend. This is the “hard work” friend I’ve mentioned before. I don’t want to go, with every bone in my body. It is only a small gathering, so my absence would be noted, but that hasn’t stopped me hoping for a last-minute illness. It’s not just that I’m not feeling particularly sociable: it’s because my lack of drinking will be noted and resented; and because she will expect me to drive her home (although she hasn’t, as usual, asked me to as she prefers to make sure I’m in a position where I can’t say no); and because she will resent me not wanting to wait around until 4am while she parties on, due to the fact she is relying on me for a lift home; and because I know that others who are going have already said they will be leaving early as they have things to do in the morning, so the evening will end in passive-aggressive sniping on her part along the lines of how people can’t even be bothered doing what she wants for *one* evening. This is what has happened on other birthday celebrations for her, so I can’t imagine tonight will be any different.

Yep. Definitely need to vacate.

Not really trying

So, as of the first week of May I will officially be unemployed.

After I had calculated the cost of vacation care for the kids during the school holidays, I realised I’d barely $50 per week ahead once I’d been paid. So yesterday I asked if I could finish up sooner, rather than later. My boss said it was fine, but asked if I’d come back to do the monthly reporting in early May. So that’s what I’m doing.

Last night, an acquaintance said he’d heard I was out of a job. He’s in recruitment at a major bank, and offered to put my resume forward to one of their arms that is currently recruiting. I acted all interested, but I don’t really want to. Not sure where this reticence comes from. Also, he said that at the interview I would just jeed to he bubbly and tell them I’m proactive, and I’d pretty much get the job. Which indicates that he possibly doesn’t know me all that well. Bubbly? Besides which, I’m 42. Bubbly is unbecoming in a person of my age.

Still, I wonder how invested I really am in getting a job. I’m pretty much being handed one on a silver platter, yet I’m hemming and hawing.

So tired of waking up tired

There’s a song by that title by one of my favourite bands. Very true sentiment for me at the moment.

The jaws of depression are trying to drag me down at the moment. I’m trying to resist, but it’s hard. There’s just too much going on at the moment.

But I’m not sleeping. I can’t make myself do anything. Chores are piling up, undone. I’m finding it hard to extract any enjoyment out of my day-to-day life. The kids are irritating and I find it really difficult to listen to their chatter. I want to tell them to shut up and leave me alone. I don’t, but my lack of attention to their conversation is probably just as bad. I’m irritable and snappy.

I don’t know how to make this go away. Ride it out, I guess. Go for a walk, maybe. If only I had the time.