So, since I last wrote here, much has happened, while at the same time it didn’t.
I am still with my partner. I hopped back in that pendulum as it came swinging past me and retreated into the fear of the unknown. As is goes with the whole swinging back and forth, I suddenly became panicked that I hadn’t been trying enough; hadn’t given it my all yet.
I wrote him a letter, telling him my fears about our relationship; that we needed to take action orseparate. I told him what I needed from him, and that I needed to know what he needed from me. I put it inside his closed laptop so that he would see it the next time he sat down for one of his evening web-browsing-whilst-watching-tv sessions.
We agreed to take a proper holiday – something we’ve never really done. I thought maybe planning this together would be something that would bring us closer.
I had to cancel my next session with my counsellor (in about October, I think). And then I never went back.
My prescription for my antidepressants ran out and I was too busy to get to the doctor fora new script. So I cold turkeyed it. Which was partly responsible, I think, for the next point…
I went on a bender for a couple of weeks. I got to a point where everything seemed just so much of “same shit, different day”, that I ended up tninking why the fuck not. I’ve stopped now, because drinking doesn’t help me get my shit together.
Anyway, coming of the medication has been both a boon and a curse. You know how some people say how their antidepressants make them feel nothing? Well, that’s kind of true. After I finished with the headspins and crying jags, I sat down and realised all my shit was still there, not dealt with. I just didn’t care while I was medicated.
Including my relationship.
That letter I wrote him? He didn’t mention it. I asked him if he’d read it. He said he had but needed some time to process the things I’d said, which was good with me. He never brought it up again. A few days later, I was tidying the loungeroom and found it discarded on the side table where he keeps his laptop. Any of the kids could have found it. Somehow I don’t think he gave it much consideration at all.
The holiday? I’ve planned and organised the whole thing. I’ve tried to get him interested but … I dunno. I guess he has better things to worry about. So he’ll just be coming along for the ride.
So we continue on with our usual routine. He watches tv while cruising the internet, I sit in my room reading or seeking relationship advice on the internet.
I’m wondering now if he’s just waiting for me to make the first move. Maybe when I started drinking again I crossed the line for him. I occasionally contemplate ways to drive him away, such as becoming religious or spiritual – maybe drinking was an unconscious attempt to do that. His lack of action is pretty typical of him thouh. I mean, I’ve asked many times over the years for some kind of skerrick of affection, the way I need it and he hasn’t done it. Too distracted with other things.
This post is so rambling I can hardly make sense of it.
Long story short: I’m unhappy and this relationship’s days are numbered.