Over the weekend, I was looking into courses I could do to enhance my employability as an EA. I found a Grad Cert aimed at EAs that gave you a business qualification. It seemed like a reasonable choice to me, be ause I could build on the qualification in future, plus the subject matter is probable transferable to other qualifications in the future.
I showed it to my partner and asked his opinion, and was greeted with rolled eyes, pursed lips and sighs of exasperation. Which, you know, I get. He’s sick of my existential crisis. He thinks it’s a waste of time and probably stuff I already know.
And I was annoyed at that. Not just because he clearly doesn’t want to be bothered with my crap, but also because he’s foiled another of my escape plans.
Because everything for me, when it boils down to it, is just another escape plan. Don’t like my job? Then I will invest a huge amount of mental energy in researching something different and better!! Only this time (and I’ve been on this rollercoaster before) I’d decided I should look at staying put. I would become the Best EA the World has Ever Seen!!!
After going to bed feeling a little dejected last night, and wishing my partner was more of the talk-things-out type as opposed to the I-have-spoken-now-stop-bothering-me-with-your-shit-I’m-watching-tv type, this morning I have woken with the realisation that it’s all about belonging.
I don’t belong anywhere. I am constantly skirting the edge of all of these communities in my life, never fully part of any one group. I don’t have other “mummy” friends in my neighbourhood. Not particularly friendly with the neighbours. Certainly not friends with my partner, who seems to want me to function solely as a housekeeper and little else. I’m friendly at work but have not actually made any friends – no-one to lunch with or anything. I rarely go out socially.
So I guess I’m desperate to feel like I belong. If I can prove myself by working in a job I enjoy and excel in, maybe I will feel like I’ve found my place?
For now, I guess, I just keep drifting along in my shade-like existence.