I’ve been in something of a slump in the past few weeks.
It all started with me going back to work after taking 4 weeks off over Christmas to stay at home with the kids. Going back was hard and made me realise how much I hate the 9 to 5 existence. I hate the clothes, hate the commuting, hate the pointless activities I do throughout the day (because sometimes, frequently, even, my boss will tell me that task X absolutely, positively must be done RIGHT NOW!! and then when I’m checking her email for her later I’ll see that she hasn’t even touched the super urgent work that I prepared for her).
At my first counselling session of the year, we discussed this slump, and I told my therapist how I always devise escape plans. When I feel depressed, the despair drives me into action, to seek some way out of it. And earlier this year, I did just that. I started coming up with plans for other careers, researching into study I could do to get myself out of this unbearable situation. I posted on Facebook that I was thinking of quitting my job. I was thinking about just getting a job in a supermarket somewhere.
At some point, though, I stopped. Stepped off the hamster wheel, stopped furiously going nowhere and have just let myself sink into this sadness. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still functioning and all. Still going to work, still feeding my kids, still doing all the things I normally would. The tears are not far from the surface, but for once I’m not struggling against it. I’m not trying to “solve” myself – I’m just accepting that my feelings are there.
And it kind of helps. When I’m not furiously trying to escape my current state, when I just slow down and let everything be, I can catch glimpses of the reasons why I’m unhappy. I’m aware, as I said above, that I’m not living a life I want to live. I accept, of course, that I have to work. And I can’t think of any jobs I’d rather do than my current one, so maybe it’s just a case of building a life outside of work that I enjoy. Which is just not happening at the moment.
Or maybe that’s just another means of escape.
I dunno. I guess al I can do is just let those thoughts be, too.