As I said in my previous post, I’ve been doing really well lately. Things have been good.
No sooner had I hit “publish” on that post than I started to sink, ever so slightly. As of this evening, I’ve been morose and tearful for 3 or 4 days, and it’s not hormonal. There are reasons, though, and as I’m alone for the week (partner and kids have gone off for the week), I’ve got no one to talk to about it.
I’ve got no one to talk to at all, in fact.
I mentioned that I had asked for part time hours at work and this hadn’t been forthcoming. So, in the past couple of weeks I have started applying for other, part time jobs. I think it’s the right thing to do.
During the week, I noticed that the other women all go off to lunch together. They go to the supermarket, and then all sit together and chat over lunch. Now, they’ve been doing this ever since I worked there. The first week I started working there, I noticed that they did this, and they didn’t invite me along. That week, I thought it was rude. It continued, and I got used to it. But this week, it struck me again: it’s rude that they have never invited me, and I started to feel isolated again. Out of place.
So, this made me think that it’s time I was moving on.
Anyway, now my wish is starting to come true. I have an interview on Monday. And it has me in high anxiety as the prospect of a job interview will do for pretty much anyone.
But I’m anxious because I’m torn. Because my employers will be upset at me for leaving. Because I don’t want to lie. Because I have to take a day off work to attend the interview as it’s in the middle of the day, necessitating the lie. Because I have to ask someone at work for a reference, and I don’t know if I should do that before or after the interview, because it’s a government job and they will contact my referees regardless. Because I heard through the office grapevine, after I’d accepted the interview, that my request for part time hours had finally, after three months, been agreed to.
Because my comfort zone is in my easy, unchallenging job, which I can do with my eyes closed. Because interviewing for this other job, which, objectively speaking, I know I could do well, opens up a whole new career path for me, and I’d be in a challenging role doing something I enjoy and being paid well for it, and this scares the living cap out of me.
Far, far easier to stay languishing where I am.
And I just don’t know. Change is scary.