This morning was my monthly therapy session.
I’ve been on an even keel, doing well and emotionally etc, but this week there was something I needed to talk about.
Now, I’ve talked about being unhappy in my relationship before. And I’m aware that I go through cycles on this su ject. There are times when I am okay with it. I accept it for what it is. It’s not the romance that set the world alight, but it’ll do.
And there are times when I’m forced to admit that it won’t.
So, the opportunity arose today to discuss this with my counsellor, so I took it. And I told here I was unhappy. And I told here that I felt like my relationship was barely more than a financial arrangement. And I told her that I accepted that I probably projected some of my negagive feelings about my partner on to him. And I told her that I didn’t feel particularly liked or loved by my partner. That I didn’t feel like he had my back. That I was concerned our life values were too widely different to be compatible.
And I told her about my five year plan. How I had decided some time ago that I should be getting ready for going solo. To move out on my own, share custody of the kids, and let him have the house.
I feel a huge amount of guilt for even contemplating these things. But I feel as though there is no connection between my partner and I. He provides me with practical support, yes, but very little emotional support. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried to tell him I need to feel like he is there for me, but he doesn’t want to hear. And I don’t think this is deliberate. I actually think he just doesn’t need emotional support himself, so he doesn’t see the need to offer it.
I don’t know. I explsined to my therapist that there are times when I feel this is bearable. These are times when I’m able to suppress my discontent. But something needs to scratch the surface and it all bubbles up.
And this week, something has scratched the surface. It’s a friend of mine. Yes, a man. Now, before I go into this, let me just clarify that nothing has happened with this guy, and and I have no intentions of anything happening. Anyway, I met this guy a while back. He’s a really nice guy. We’re friends on Facebook, and “like” each other’s posts and whatnot. See? Nothing serious. But this week, I got the feeling that he maybe liked me a little bit more than as a Facebook friend. And this may be just my own mistaken interpretation, but there you have it.
And it got me thinking. Here’s a guy who finds me attractive, despite me being overweight and over 40. And there are other men who find me attractive – I put a lot of effort into my appearance. My partner preferred me when I was slim and waiflike in my 20s. He has never, ever told me I look pretty or nice. He has never held my hand or put his arm around me in public. I tried, many years ago, and he doesn’t like it. He would never sit next to me on the couch and hold my hand or put his arm around me while we watch tv. We don’t kiss hello or goodbye. Not even a rudimentary peck on the cheek. And yes, this has been my doing. He has tried to be affectionate to me from time to time, but I’ve reached the point I don’t want him to touch me, and I just resent it.
So my counsellor has said I need to speak to my partner about this. Tell him how I feel. And I know I have to: he should at least have the right of reply. My counsellor also said that you should never, ever leave a relationship unless you are 100% convinced you have done everything you can to make it work.
And I agree with this. It’s just that I’m not sure I want it to work.